Memos to Republican Candidates

To Herman Cain: Thank you for being you.  The Lord observed in scripture that it is the nature of most men when they get a little power to exercise unrighteous dominion ver their fellows.  You are a perfect fraud with your amazing grace and your pathetic response to the sexual harassment charges.  The least you can do is have the restaurant association release all their files on the payoffs and hush money. Give it up, douche bag.  You're finished.

To Marco Rubio:  That was really a dumb stunt to exaggerate your exile status. But it probably won't ruin you if you get all the facts out now.